Just recently I have been going through a weird phase in my life; this has been brought on by the fact that since the age of 13 I have been in love with/had strong feelings for/fancied and in the process of perusing guys. A big chunk of it was one guy, following quickly by another and it has only been in the last few weeks I have finally realised that I don’t have romantic feelings for that person any more. But now I am in a place in my life that I have not been for a long time and that is to be single and bar from seeing hot guys in passing (paperchase has the most beautiful, sexy, rough looking tattooed guy working in there, he also has an amazing smile) I do not have anyone in my life that I have romantic thoughts or feelings for.
Normally I would have at least one person in my life, be in someone I just met or a friend I had known a while, that I had a crush on and would end up ridiculously over romanticising situations in my head and when it didn’t really turn out how I planned I would move onto the next person and repeat the process all over again. It sounds like that person is just an object but unless strong feelings have had a chance to set seed then I am not someone to be offended by people not fancying me back or even by finding me annoying, (if I had to put up with me I would find myself unbearable to be around) it is just how it goes and I let it go.
So anyway, now that there is no one like that in my life I feel a mixture or faint boredem (no one can deny the first stages of liking someone are exciting), relief (that I don’t have to make that sort of effort with anyone and so my time is based on me and what I want to do) and also a desire to be in a proper relationship (which I haven’t felt in a while). I’d just like the comfort of having someone there, not the excitement of new things; someone to hug and kiss and just chill out with watching films or more likely in this weather to go to parks and relax in the sun.
I feel like my time would be better used however, concentrating on friendships and meeting new people. I just want people there who I can speak to about crap and be stupid with and make memories with this summer. I want to go to BBQ’s and parties and chill out down the park and maybe go to gigs or a festival. I want to do these things with friends, old and new.
In a way though it feels like as soon as I start making an effort with friends, they retreat or other things get in my way (like a broken laptop D: ).
Really feeling the need up hang out with guys at the minute, only the guy mates I do have seem unavailable to chill with me currently. I need male communication, not the constant female communication I have had for over two weeks now, bar from the odd bit of small talk or family members. Eurgh…. Male friends where are you?! I hung out with one the other afternoon but it doesn’t seem to have quenched my need. If a random guy asked to hang out right now I probably would, just for the excitement and getting to know someone new.
It’s tiring as a guy to sit here and watch you women, girls, ladies - or whatever you wish to be called - strive for gender equality. You’ve fought endlessly for equal wages, jobs, rights, colours, fashions… you name it, you’ve fought for it. Yet still, when it comes to love interests, you want…
I tell girls I know to make the first move allll the time. I completely understand the whole romantic expectations and how much nicer it is for a guy to make the first move and make you feel loved but maybe they’re thinking the same thing about you too. I can’t stand waiting around for things to happen; I have little to no patience. If they don’t have much confidence or feel unsure about how you feel then what’s wrong with just being a bit more forward and proactive about making things happen? And so what if they say they aren’t really interested in anything more than friends? If you already get on and are comfortable together then you can still be friends and if you don’t already know them then what have you lost anyway? Just go for it!! Make things happen instead of waiting around more someone to sweep you off your feet!
I remember when I was about 12/13 and I used to read teen romance about girls who were 16/17 and thinking they were so grown up and mature and exciting. Now that I’m 19 I think about how young I really was when I was 16 and how it all goes so fast and it’s only really the beginning and that there is so much else to look forward to and get the most out of.
Mum’s just told me that it is 20 years to the day since my mum and dad announced to my dad’s parents that they were expecting me. What a strange thought that is. My grandma had remembered this fact because if my grandads mum was alive it would be her birthday, her name was Minnie; I’ve always loved this name, I think that if I ever have a girl I may be tempted to call her this.
Speaking to a friend this weekend about diet and exercise has reminded me that actually I do need to lose some weight and become a bit healthier. Standing in front of this person in just my T-shirt and pants, ready to go to sleep I felt the most uncomfortable and self conscious about myself that I have done in a long time and considering some of my behaviour recently that may seem quite shocking.
A couple of weeks ago my cousin and I made charts with our weights and measurements on and vowed that we would motivate each other to lose weight. In the first week she lost four pounds, while after two weeks I still haven’t lost anything as my plan never really got off the ground. I blame this on the time of the month, then hand-in for which I was rushed and then being ill this week; but in reality I have also just made bad decisions and had no will power what-so-ever. Apparently we only covet what we we see all the time; for example, I only ever feel inspired and want to work when I am around inspiring work, I only want new clothes when I have time to look through fashion magazines and actually have a chance to looks around shops, I only want a relationship when I see happy couples and watch romcoms. So it would follow that as I haven’t really been looking at peoples bodies or flicking through my fashion magazines or talking about losing weight a lot that I haven’t really thought about it, I haven’t really had any motivation to do anything about it. I haven’t looked in the mirror no where near as much as normal either. But now that my cousin has lost that first bit of weight and my best mate has been back from uni and told me she has lost half a stone and then talking to this friend, it has got me thinking about it all over again and realising that I need to do something about it. When I look back on my life in 10 years time I don’t want to still have the weight on me and wish I had done something about it sooner. What is the point in having this excess weight on me that is just making me unhappy and unhealthy when I could be making more of my life?
My biggest problem is that I am stuck in a cycle. I love food, it is an important and well loved part of my life and I have always felt like this; however this love of food has developed into just eating for the sake of it whenever I see something that I remotely like. These things are usually full of fat, sugar and carbs, (especially since starting uni carbs have been an even bigger part of my life) and then I end up feeling like crap for eating them (guilt) and lacking in energy. I am someone who suffers from quite big sugar lows and even know the times when it generally hits and that my willpower is lowest. This then means that I never want to do any exercise, which in turn means I’m leaving the house less and have more time to fill with comfort/boredom eating and have less energy… don’t want to exercise… eat more.. etc,etc. Also because I have never been a sporty person, I have never developed that love for it or found the happiness and rush that people who do exercise on a regular basis say that it gives you.
I have written a list of things that I can start doing and some foods that I need to eat more of, (my love of food goes as far as to fill my head with nutrition information, whether planning on eating healthily or not, I know so many random food facts that quite often I can’t look at it normally without relaying some form of information in my head) and plan to start making some better choices and making my self get off my arse, even if it’s only for a half hour walk. I just need to get myself in to a routine, because I am crap with stuff like that and lack of preparation is usually why I end up buying the calorie filled options when out and about.
I want to relive last night all over again; the day after going out always seems so boring compared to the excitement of a night out. I would have said a few things differently and make some alterations to my behaviour; both taking away and adding to what I did.
Maybe I want to write about how seeing you with her the other night didn’t bother me half as much as I thought it would and that I feel like I’m actually getting over you; (its only in moments of desperate loneliness that I miss you.)
Maybe I want to write about uni mates and the difference between them and my friends around me at home and how much I miss just hanging out and talking. How I actually really enjoyed spending time with someone who normally I find hard to stand and seeing someone who barely speaks coming out their shell a bit.
Maybe I want to write about how meeting you by chance has actually made me feel happier than I have done in a long time, simply because it feels like there is someone there. I know I have amazing friends who are there when I need them, but sometimes I just need someone to talk to about unimportant crap. It would feel strange to stop talking to you now, even after such a short amount of time.
Maybe it’s all these and a million other things in my life that my brain can’t process at the moment.
I can’t wait to see my best friends tonight and just give them all a hug. I actually feel really emotional just thinking about it. Plus our art teacher will be there and I haven’t seen her in about a year so am excited about that too.