When I meet a guy I’m interested in I have this underlying desire to know everything about them. To know all their quirks and their loves and hates and history and things they’ve never told anyone. To know their habits and routine and family and diet. To know what it feels like to hold their hand, is it rough or smooth or big or small. To know what it’s like to hug them and feel their arms around me, will they feel limp like they don’t really want to or hold you close like they never want you to leave. To know what it’s like to kiss them, to feel their lips pressed against mine and feel their breath mingle with mine. To know what it’s like to cuddle in bed with them and just lie there talking, or to go out to eat with them. I want to know what it’s like to belong to them, will I feel free to do as I wish or suffocated and trapped by their presence. To know how it feels to have them text me or ring me or turn up to take me out. To know what it’s like being on holiday with them, where we would go, what we would do, would it be heaven or hell. I want to know what it would be like to be long term with them, to get married and have kids, what kind of a father would they be, would he feed them and change their nappies. To know what it would be like to spend my life with them, to grow old with them and hold their hand when we’re 80. And it’s not even that I actually want any of this stuff with every guy I’m interested in, I don’t meet a guy and instantly plan my future with them. But when you meet someone anything could happen. Anything at all. That could be it, they could be the one, or maybe they introduce you to people who lead you to the one. Maybe they’re not even in your life for long, maybe they’re a fleeting moment that you will forget about and remember one day and think about all that happened. But you just don’t know and it’s exciting. It’s an adventure. And it makes it even more amazing that there’s someone else with you to share it with. (And maybe I am just a bit nosy too).
I feel happy and sad and excited and scared and independent and clingy and focused and confused and inspired and unmotivated and prepared and ill-equipped and in control and defenceless; all at the same time, all day.
I’m going on what my cousin is classing as a “non-date” tomorrow. Me and a lad mate are going to the cinema to see a horror; haven’t seen one in what feels like yonks. Quite excited to be getting out the house and seeing someone different, even ended up watching a film with Adam tonight, was lovely to see him.
A health food book told me bananas can help to improve mood. Anything to improve mood but not make me feel worse about myself (eg chocolate) would be much appreciated right now. But can I eat it in bed snuggled up with someone while we watch films please?
I’m in one of those moods where I don’t know what I want to do or how I feel and it’s driving me insane. Think Isaac may be in a similar mood too as everything I say he just gets mardy at and it’s just not helping.
I think that it is much easier to reveal deep and emotional thoughts and feelings to people that are basically strangers.
People that don’t know the day to day you, they don’t see you on good days or bad days, they have never hung out with you and have never met your family. They do not know how it is that you portray yourself to the general masses and so have no you-like shape that they expect you to fit. It is for this reason that sometimes these hidden parts of you spill out, you can tell them exactly who it is you are or what you think or what you have done and it will not effect or change anything that was already there it will only create something new; it will create this part of the stranger that now feels like it belongs to you, because you put the deepest, darkest part of yourself in it. In a way you are in control because you have created this “piece”, you have opened yourself up and so there is nothing for the stranger to find out about you later and effect their opinions of you, you have laid yourself bare and so they can not point and tease because it seems like you are proud of it all. However, the stranger is also in control. You are at their mercy that the information, the real you, that you have divulged to them will not be shared with others, that it will not be used against you or treated with disrespect. And because this person that owns a piece of you is a stranger, with no previous emotional attachment, what if they were to decide you weren’t really an important part of their life or that the information was too much for them? What if they just walked away with that piece of you and your left with a bit missing? Chances are they will just forget about meeting you and what they know about you, it will not necessarily effect their lives, but what about you? How many strangers can you give a little piece to, only to be forgotten, before there’s nothing left at all?